Rock n Goals No. 1 Rochdale

 No. 1:  Rochdale at Hillsborough

League Cup Round 1: Sheffield Wednesday 3 Rochdale 0

Date: 11/08/09

Sheffield Wednesday: 
Grant, Simek, Purse, Beevers, Spurr, McAllister, Potter, Miller, Esajas, Tudgay, Johnson. Subs: O’Donnell, Wood, Hinds, O’Connor, Gray, Boden, Jeffers.
Arthur, Holness, Stanton, Dawson, T Kennedy, Thompson, J Kennedy, Jones, Rundle, Dagnall, Buckley. Subs: Brown, Sheriff, Flitcroft, Edwards, Brizell, Shaw, Higginbotham

Ref: C Sarginson (Staffordshire)

Attendance: 6,696

The Owls cruised into round two of the Carling Cup with a comprehensive 3-0 victory over League Two side Rochdale.
Up front for Wednesday Johnson was the class act, netting two goals either side of half time, with Etienne Esajas also on the scoresheet after his powerful first half volley broke the deadlock.The gulf in quality between the two sides was evident throughout the 90 minutes as the visitors failed to find any way through a resilient Wednesday side.The Owls made five changes from the side that started the opening day 2-2 draw against Barnsley on the previous Saturday, with Tommy Miller making his debut in midfield.Sean McAllister and Esajas also made the starting line-up, along with Frank Simek and Mark Beevers who both occupied a place on the bench against the Tykes.
The Owls looked lively in the early throes of the game as Johnson used his pace to trouble Rochdale right back Marcus Holness to centre for Marcus Tudgay, who flicked the ball goalwards but it was easily dealt with in goal by Kenny Arthur.More good work from Johnson almost led to the first goal of the match on 12 minutes when he sliced through Dale’s defence, before picking out Miller 12 yards from goal, but the midfielder’s low drive was saved by the feet of Arthur.

But the Owls did have the lead moments later, and in spectacular fashion, as Esajas thumped a volley from 25 yards past the helpless Dale keeper. The Dutchman kept his eye on the ball as it dropped towards him and blasted emphatically into the net.

And two minutes later, the Owls doubled their lead as Johnson scored his second goal in as many games. The winger had looked a threat from kick off and, having weaved through a number of Rochdale challenges, blasted home from close range.The game settled down and Wednesday were enjoying the lion’s share of possession.Rochdale gave the Owls a warning five minutes before the break, working the ball well outside the 18-yard box, ending with a decent chance for striker Chris Dagnall to shoot on target but Lee Grant saved well.

The game was wrapped up five minutes after the break when a superbly worked move from hosts was finished by Johnson.

Beevers showed some tricky footwork in defence before finding Potter, who lifted the ball over Dale’s back four, with Johnson latching onto the pass and calmly lofting over the outrushing keeper.Johnson left the field to a big ovation from the home fans, before being replaced by Michael Gray who was immediately involved in the action.His first touch of the match was a cross that found Miller in space who powered his header on target but was denied a debut goal once more by Arthur – pushing behind for a corner.

Gray was almost provider again moments later as his through ball was inch perfect to second half substitute Francis Jeffers, but Dale defender Craig Dawson was back quickly to make a challenge.

The result booked Wednesday’s place in the next round but any dreams of Wembley ended there as a much changed Owls team crashed 2-0 at Port Vale in round 2.The cup was eventually won by Manchester United after victory in the final against Aston Villa.The season couldn’t have ended in more contrasting fortunes for the two sides, as Rochdale finished 3rd in League 2 to claim their first promotion since 1969, whilst a last day draw with Crystal Palace was not enough to stop Wednesday falling through the Championship trapdoor into League 1.

After the game, Rochdale defender Bob Holness seemed in a rush to get the interview over quickly, explaining “I’d like a pee please!” He didn’t find the interviewer’s questions too taxing, especially the one about which was his favourite song by The Sweet, replying immediately “That’s Blockbuster!!!”The interviewer was perplexed as to why Holness wanted him to conduct the interview stood on an upturned cauldron belonging to former Manchester City manager Brian Horton, but he insisted “Please take your place on The Hort’s Pot!”

Goalkeeper Arthur could be a bit of a Fowler, often resorting to Lowe tactics, he was the King of the sneaky foul
He often got distracted by a plump bespectacled lady shouting from the stands “Arthur! Arthur!” she would cry. At the after match buffet a colleague offered him a bowl of small green fruits saying “stuffed Olive?”. Arthur replied “not yet but I fancy my chances”

Full back Candi Stanton revealed her old mates former Sheffield Wednesday players, twins Ian and Leon Knight were doing well for themselves in theatre in the USA. “Knight’s on Broadway” she enthused.
She contacted CSKA Moscow in 2004 after hearing they had bought a striker from Brazailian club Carlton Palmeiras to tell them “You Got The Wagner Love”
As a child she knew Bolton chairman Phil Gartside who was a budding athlete. As an incentive Stanton once promised him the album “Road To Hell” if he could break his personal best. She called the plan “Young Garts Run For Rea”

Rochdale defender Les Dawson was disappointed his team mates had drawn a blankety blank in front of goal, even going as far as to accuse a few of them of being “cissies”, but he was astounded when they not only threw ladies underwear at him but also waved their testicles and threw door furniture ‘Oooh knickers, knackers, knockers!’ he cried.

The Kennedy twins, Ken and Eddie were also in a rush to get off after the game as they were going to a marriage ceremony. Indeed, Ken had the “brassneck” to have the Wedding Present under his arm whilst he spoke to the interviewer. He felt the questions were a bit hostile at first though by the end the interviewer had mellowed somewhat, prompting Ken to ask “Why Are You Being So Reasonable Now?”
There was only one Thompson twin present though, as the other one was injured and had gone to see the Doctor (Doctor). Earlier, he’d contacted CSKA Moscow manager Leonid Slutsky, in much the same way as Candi Stanton had in 2004 to be honest, and this is in no way the same gag, and told him he thought they were a good bet for the title as they had “Wagner Love On Your Side”.
During the game he had been distracted by a girl in the stands wearing a pork pie hat and dancing badly. He enquired who it was to be told she was a relative of Olly’s. “Oh it is the “Sister of Mursy”?” he asked.

Midfielder Jones spurned a golden chance to score during the game and a watching Leonard Rossiter was heard to remark “That was a bad Miss Jones!!” It reminded Rossiter he was about to visit lots of cold meat shops with the Wednesday striker Jeffers. He was looking forward to the ‘Francis’ Deli Tour’

Midfielder Jeff Buckley showed real Grace in his performance but he never played for the club again so this was The Last Goodbye. He was told a club from Madrid had shown an interest in him. “”So Real” want me? Hallelujah!” he said, thus ending any chance of a move to a club in Berlin. “Forget Hertha” he thought to himself.

Sub Sheriff, who was originally from Nottingham, was considering going back there after becoming homesick. He’d spoke to his Mum on the phone, who told him “Come ‘ome our Sheriff!” She’d also recommended seeing the local GP about his problems. He had a reputation for pushing round old stoves. The locals called him “Doctor Shove Aga”

At target practise that morning the Rochdale strikers were set an unusual task. They had to try and score round a wall that consisted of celebrities Mr Lynam, Mr O Connor, Mr Douglas and Mr Tutu.

They kept trying and trying but were having no luck at all, their shots simply cannoned into the wall, until Buckley was taking his turn and noticed fellow striker Sherriff walking across the pitch, instead of trying to curl the ball round the wall he aimed straight at Sherriff, the ball hit him, ricocheted easily past the wall and into the goal….

Of course his teammates went crazy and asked how he’d done it…’Well…’ he said… ‘I shot at Sherriff but I didn’t shoot at ‘Des’s you see’

Strikers Rundle and Dagnall (deceased) were amazed to see one of the subs had brought his stallion to the game. “Is that Brown’s Horse over there?” said Rundle. “Aye, he just wants to be a winner” replied Dagnall somewhat unbelievably.
He’d bought it on HP apparently. His favourite player was Gary Neighsmith.

Nobody was impressed by one of the subs’ party trick of inserting dried fruit in his anus. “I see he’s got Fig In T’Bottom again” remarked somebody unimpressedly

Match referee Chris Sarginson had policed the game well. The match went ahead after he had inspectored the pitch, although he did think it was a bit bobbyly. He enjoyed a nice copper tea after the game.

Top 5 UK chart week ending 15th August 2009

Neville Leave Youl – Titchy Ryder ft A Mel
Diminutive cardboard haired ITV sports anchor Steve Ryder teamed up with former Owls full back Mel Sterland to record this ode to the time odious ex-Manchester United nob Gary Neville ended his relationship with former Derby County and Rock n Goals “basically whenever the word You is in the title” stalwart Youl Mawene.

I Gotta Teale In – Black Hired Preece
Former Coventry City manager Eric Black recalls the time he signed useless Bentley driving “winger” Gary Teale and former Luton town wideman David Preece in one double swoop.He was also hoping to tie up a deal for a striker from CSKA Moscow but, in an incident in no way related to any earlier jokes, the player failed to turn up to sign leaving Black to cry “Where Is The Wagner Love?”
This made him turn his attention to a young Senegalese striker from Manchester United who had spent a loan period at Blackburn. He called him up saying “”Hey Mama” Biram Diouf, “Don’t Lie”, say you want to join us” Diouf replied “”Shut Up” the wages are too low” so Black asked if he could “Meet Me Halfway” but Diouf said “Oh is that “The Time”? I have to go. I’m meeting the Charlton manager to discuss his obsession with Basil Brush”
Black replied “Oh ok. Say hello to “Boom Boom Powell” from me! I was getting bored of just shoehorning Black Eyed Peas song titles in to the conversation to be honest with you” but Diouf had already hung up.

Super Novak – Mr Hudson ft Kanye West
70s star Alan Hudson teamed up with Teribo’s little brother to record this tribute to their favourite Huddersfield Town player Lee Novak.This current Huddersfield squad are no strangers to having their names celebrated in song following on from hits such as Take That’s “Back For Gudjonsson”, Talking Heads’ “Rhodes To Nowhere” and also “McCombe On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Beat Again – J Ellis
This tribute to Sheffield United’s 2010-11 season was recorded by none other than former posh Blue Peter bird Janet Ellis. Janet’s daughter Sophie Ellis-Bextor is a secret Plymouth Argyle fan although many will have spotted this in the title of her biggest hit “Take Me Home Park” She was once embroiled in controversy when she was alleged to have killed someone inside the house of a former French international midfielder.

Police at the time reckoned it was “Murder On Zidane’s Floor” Yes, I know you’ve all heard that one before but it’s good for padding this thing out.

Swede Dreams – Beyonce Knowles
Cyril’s daughter Beyonce, nice one Cyril by the way, loves her Swedish footballers. So much so she followed up this tribute with further hits such as “Beautiful Liarsson” with Shakira, “Lucic On It” and “Me, Myself and Ibrahimovic” as well as covers by acts such as Nilsson, Allbackstreet Boys and The Brolin Stones.

 She once saw her favourite Swedish football manager along with six friends attacking the male offspring of Manchester United’s former French maverick striker. She described the scene as “Seven Goring Eric’s Son”
Beyonce was renowned for inviting footballers to wild get togethers round at her place.
  Leon Clarke was a regular and many said it was no surprise to see Mr Blobby at Knowles’ House Party.

Saturdays Game: 6th August 2011


Rochdale has a new manager by the name of Steve Eyre who has replaced previous boss Vince Hill. A passing Jordin Sparks recently asked “Is Hill still the manager here?” to be told “No! Eyre!”

Rochdale’s squad includes the likes of Jean-Louis Akpa-Akpro. He’s come along way since his days of being Jean-Louis Akpa-Akamateur and even further since he was Jean-Louis Akpa-Akschoolboy.

Don’t be afraid if you notice one of the players has an extremely bad complexion because it will just be Simon Hackney. He will be travelling to the game by cab. He has been known in the past to walk to games in a military fashion giving rise to the term Hackney Marches.

There was an embarrassing incident in the dressing room the other day when in walked none other than the Australian singer who had a hit with “Mysterious Girl” and was famously once married to Joe Jordan. “Hello Andre!!” shouted everyone, much to the alarm of Rochdale’s young Angolan striker.Jake Kean is on loan from Blackburn and is very eager to impress. He turned up quite late to his first game and enquired why nobody was about. A passer-by pointed towards the dressing room and said ““Everybody’s Changing” in there”. An embarrassed Kean walked in and admitted “This Is The Last Time” he would be late.

Don’t be afraid if you notice one of the players resembling a character from Lord of the Rings on fire. It will just be Gollum Burn.

There was an embarrassing incident in the dressing room the other day when in walked none other than the American tennis player who won Wimbledon in 1992 and is famously married to a stuffed giraffe. “Hello Andre!!” shouted everyone, much to the alarm of Rochdale’s young Angolan striker. Again.

The twins Brian & Barry Murphy, formerly of SWFC, will be making a return to Hillsborough. Since leaving The Owls Brian has been very successful, playing the role of George in George and Mildred, but Barry, being a Murphy, is not bitter

Don’t be afraid if you notice one of the players resembles the time that the superior being was successful in a competition and the top prize was some bad leisurewear. It will just be Godwin AbadtrackiThere was an embarrassing incident in the dressing room the other day when in walked none other than the famous singer Mr Sayer alongside a former member of NWA. “Hey Leo and Dre!!” shouted everyone, much to the alarm of Rochdale’s young Angolan striker. Again. He left the room at this pointStriker Chris O’Grady is hoping to be watched by his older brother Paul. He’d never seen him live.On loan from Liverpool is Stephen Darby who’s a local lad. A few of the players were not happy at him joining and showed signs of unhappiness. Joe Thompson let out a sigh, Nicky Adams shrugged his shoulders, while Andrew Tutte.

Lets’ not forget some of the other players playing today….





Nigel Miller of County Durham is the man in the middle for today’s game. Canny like. He has been in charge of the Owls previously on an incredible 14 occasions. Let’s hope it’s a lucky 15 for Wednesday but with just two wins, four draws and eight defeats from previous encounters the signs are not good.

Amongst the losses were home defeats to Sheffield United and Rotherham, and he was also in charge of the infamous Monday night Brighton home game when they equalised right at the death, though he equally he allowed generous injury time to allow Steve Watson to equalise at West Bromwich Albion back in 2007.

Nigel’s brother Steve formed his own band, the Steve Milliband, along with other brothers Ed and David. Steve was a bit of a “Joker”. He enjoyed a game of golf but often used bizarre tactics. When he told his assistant he wanted to use some ladies underwear for a particular shot, the helper was bemused. Miller had to explain to him: “A Bra Caddy! A Bra!!”

Keep on Rockin
TWITTER: @OwlsAlive

PLAYER ANSWERS: 1/ Mark Twaddle (Marked Waddle)  2/ Neal Trotman  3/ Matty Edwards (Mat Tea Head-Wards)

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